Jefferson’s Newspaper

I will rarely address current events on this site, but a friend of mine in PA sent me a link to a completely ridiculous story from KDKA TV News Pittsburgh, a CBS affiliate.  Hit the break for the video and the full story, annotated with my first hand clarifications.  If you think Fox News is the only one towing the right wing agenda, think again.  Luckily, these dupes are so roundly unconcerned with journalistic standards that their absurd inferences and tabloid commentary actually (almost) come across as satire.

Let me clarify a few understandable journalistic mistakes here, since I frequent the liberal terror underground (also known as Ikea).

1.  “Sources indicate that graffiti left under a downtown bridge was put there by G-20 protestors… [video shows graffiti reading "We the People..."]“

That was me.  It actually said “G-20 is a total dick, dude” before we changed our minds and went with an obscure quote from noted Anti-American radical, the US Constitutional Convention.

2.   “A fire at a local park was reportedly started by protestors staying in a tent… [video shows extinguished campfire hole]“

I’m not sure how they figured it out, since I left no apparent evidence, but that was also me.  Camping is one of the most extreme of all seditious acts, and provides a great ambience for toasting vegan s’mores and planning future acts of librul terror.

3.  “A young man, who did not want to be identified, says he’s been told protestors are renting South Side homes…. [video shows a conspicuously disguised hippy-surfer type listlessly exclaiming 'people are gonna die.']”

That was actually me, incognito of course, dressed as “a total duder from Portland.”  I will just say it now, I am an agent provocateur for the Securities and Exchange Commision.  The disguise was chosen by my case agent, who has been watching a lot of John From Cincinnati.

4.  “Sources indicate protestor advance teams have been spotted by police taking video and photographs of the David L. Lawrence Convention Center, Omni William Penn Hotel, City Hall, County Courthouse, Fort Pitt and Liberty Tunnels… [video shows rapid fire montage of these and other buildings]“

After some extensive investigation, it appears this one was just Japanese tourists.

5.  “Sources indicate highly-organized protestor advance teams are mapping out possible attack points…”

The sources actually differ here, which was not disclosed by the crack team of KDKA investigative journalists.  While some observers report that the Anarchist Black Cross was behind this nefarious “mapping,” key detainees have claimed innocence, insisting they are geocaching enthusiasts caught up in the haze of espionage.  Others still insist that it was actually a roving band of GIS hacks building a geolocation iPod app for the PA Board of Tourism.

6.  The part about “stockpiling human waste.”

That’s totally true, but unrelated.

In all seriousness, our media continues to plumb the depths in pursuit of the ever-growing simpleton demographic.  My special lady fired off a nice letter to KDKA that sums it up nicely. If you are so inclined, you might do the same.

Dear Marty Griffin,

A friend of mine sent me link to your report about protesters at the G20 summit.  I must say that you made your channel and it’s staff look foolish and anti-American.  The tone of the entire piece treated protesters like terrorists.  Peaceful protest is LEGAL and it is a truly American act.  I am very curious as to how rigorous the source and fact checking was on your “feces throwing” accusations.  The graffiti you showed was a quote from the preamble of our constitution yet you treated it as if it came from some terrorist manifesto.  You gave no evidence that what was obviously the remains of a basic camp fire came from radical, pyromaniac agitators.  I am sick and tired of the scare tactics used by so many local news channels both in my hometown of Cleveland and in Pittsburgh.  You show little respect for your audience and appear to take for granted the freedom of speech that keeps you and other more serious journalists in business.